My asshole roommate and I went out to a bar last night along with a friend named Ziggy. That’s not his real name but where this article is going you’ll understand why I feel the need to protect his identity.

We were having a few beers in the outside bar, talking crap, checking out girls, watching the Denver Nuggets have a truck party with the Dallas Mavericks. After getting bored with our current surroundings, we moved the party to the inside. Within two minutes of us being there, this gorgeous girl in a tight black dress and very sexy tattoos walks by me. I’m not positive but it’s very possible that she said hello to me. Or maybe I said it to her. I don’t know. Either way, first contact was made and that was that.

A few minutes later I decided to go looking for her only to find that she was sitting at the bar with two guys. Another lost opportunity. Oh well plenty more to choose from.

After moving the party back to the outside, we notice that the girl in the black dress and her two guy friends have gotten up from their seat. The three musketeers, (that’s us) jump at the opportunity and claim some prime real estate in their chairs. BP says his usual bullshit to a group of cuties and we start talking to them. Now just as an aside, this exchange leads me to being convinced that BP is a douche but that’s another story for another time. Just kidding BP we love you. Anyways, there are two girls to us three guys. Not a good situation. Inevitably, one guy is getting left behind, and in this case it was Ziggy. What can we do? Out on the streets it’s every man for themselves.

Well into our exchange with the two lovely ladies, I notice Ziggy is chatting up a tasty young lass. I do a double-take and notice that it’s none other than the hot girl in the black dress with the Angelina Jolie tats. Good for Ziggy. I’m not exaggerating one bit when I say this, but within ten minutes, Ziggy is taking this girl out of the bar to his apartment. Successful night.

We forget about him as he has accomplished in ten minutes what BP and I have failed to come close to in two hours. Probably because we were both going for the same girl and the other one was married. Too bad. The timing is a little blurry here, but about forty five minutes after Ziggy leaves with his hoe, she’s back at the bar, getting some other dude to buy her a drink. After she gets tired of him, she moves on to the next guy.

Witnessing these events leads me to this question: Was this the biggest tramp in the history of the Brickell area? I would definitely classify myself as an observer in these types of places, and I’ve never seen anything like this. Let’s assume for one second that Ziggy was the only one to strike oil with her that night. If you’ve been keeping count that girl had to have gone through at least two guys before Ziggy. Then after him, I count at least another two guys. That’s four guys. I’m not even counting the supposed advance I feel she might have made to me. Conservatively, she worked five different guys that night. That my friends, qualifies as a girl on a mission.

Now let’s let our imaginations wander. Ziggy didn’t pick her up until at least 12 AM. We got there at nine. That’s three hours of time she has to kill before she even gets to Ziggy. Another question is did those two guys  I saw her with plow the field? I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say “Yes. Yes they did.”  That’s two guys. Before them, I have to assume she was working someone else. To err on the side of caution, let’s give her one guy before the double-team. That’s three guys before Ziggy.

Now here comes our friend. He’s the fourth of the night. Not a bad day’s work for a skinny blonde girl. I can say with about 90% certainty, that from the time she got there, to the time she got back from Ziggy’s she had mounted four guys.

Now comes the hard part (That’s what she said). We left the bar at about 2:30 A.M. At least it was around that time. Regardless, the place was still going strong. I have to assume that the girl in the black dress had at least one more “drink”. That’s FIVE, count ‘em FIVE guys in one night. And I’m not talking about phone numbers. I’m talking about down and dirty good times.

Again, I’ve never seen anything like this. I’ve seen drunk girls going from guy to guy just to get handled once. But to come back and forth from apartment to bar, apartment to bar is just legendary. Imagine what the hostess must think. She sees this girl coming out with one guy, coming back along, and leaving with a different guy. She’s probably the Brickell bicycle. We all know girls who’ve given it out for free night by night, but what I witnessed last night was something that I don’t think many people can top.

Now Ziggy probably has the swine flu. I’ve never considered myself so lucky to have NOT hooked up with a girl.